Wandering In the Desert – Letter from a Lost Sheep

 [Note: This was a personal letter I sent to my teammates sometime in July 2007. I think its the best thing for me to share in the spirit of the season of Lent. ]

Time has come for a commencement. First, allow me to thank each and everyone of you for the unconditional love that I have found in each of you.

Seldom did I wish to explain myself for the things I did, intentional or not. You see, I view life as something fluid. In the depth of the ocean lies dreams and mystery. The calmness of the lake is the mirror of comfort and peace. In the force of wild rivers, I see strength and forces of challenges. All those being said, I mean to say that seldom did I restrict or ignore any emotion that came my way. I face life like that of a child, questioning when not understanding, rejoicing whole heartedly when delighted, strongly voicing out despair when there seem to be injustice, and loving freely and wholeheartedly.

I asked God to lead me where He wanted me to be, and I am here. I asked for wisdom and compassion and God gave me more than I what asked for. He even put some conviction and passion so that I can always put on 100% of my effort in everything, never lukewarm.

Since the early days, that passion kept my faith to hold on despite the challenges and frustrations that came with our growth. That passion was coated with burning purpose and ideals to serve wholeheartedly. However, time wasn’t all sunshine. Challenges came but I didn’t expect my struggles to be what they were. I was struck through the people that I care about, on what I had witnessed that caused their very own struggles. I didn’t expect that tiredness and frustrations would come from situations that didn’t even directly involve me.

As I tried to keep that faith and focusing on what I do, I know deep in my heart that I am hurting for the people I care about and for the others who undergoes the same situation. The passion I wore as a cloak slowly faded. I never tried to hide it because it is necessary for me to acknowledge that this is happening. I need to respect every emotion that I feel and to deal and overcome my struggles in the way that I know to be most effective. I have to do this in order for me to maintain that faith and passion in serving.

I never wanted to prolong my agony by trying to set it aside or to ignore it, when I know deep in my heart that there is something to resolve. When there are inner conflicts or battles so strong that I have to face, I always find it to be so emotionally draining. Reason being, that I must not ignore what I’ve been feeling.

You had seen me spending my time with other things as I was trying to preserve of what was left of the morale and passion I still had. I spent nights crying out to God to heal my broken spirit. For many months I struggled and hang on to the thread of hope, I kept in my heart.

I submitted myself to the process of “falling out of love” in order for me to feel the pain of failure and defeat. I need to cry my heart out to let go of all impurities and frustrations that filed up inside as we fought and struggled. I needed to feel being weak and undeserving to exorcise the “self righteous” pride that came with the pain of seeing unnecessary pain inflicted on some of you. I didn’t know that this pride kept the hurt and frustrations burning inside me. Submitting to the “slow death” of my passion is the only way to remove this pride.

The knowledge that I procrastinated, that I was wrong in focusing on the “seemingly” wrong things and unbalanced actions instead of clinging to God’s grace had filled my heart with guilt. The knowledge that I neglected and failed God encouraged me to look up to Him and ask for help.

The guilt of defeat gave birth to understanding. The shame of defeat gave birth to humility and dependence on God’s grace and mercy. The result of knowing defeat is the start of making up for the “loss times”, to repent, to seek for forgiveness, and to be “renewed”. Now, I see that it was necessary for me to “fall out of love” in order “to fall in love all over again, in a much deeper and stronger way”. I simply had to. It made me see the world in a much clearer perspective. Here I am now, armed with renewed passion, graced with some more humility, cloaked with renewed hope, and filled with faith. Thanks to the renewed understanding and wisdom from my Father.

My apologies for whatever effect my journey of struggles might have caused every one of you as you witnessed it to happen. I am sorry for not holding on to” our lifeline” as expected, and for choosing to stay behind to indulge and lose myself in my frustrations and misery.

I loved you all as I love my own self. I praise God for every one of you for being the family that I have here, for enriching my life with your own, and for the generous support you bestowed on me as I went through my personal ordeal. Thank you for letting me be, and for giving me the space and time, I needed. Thank you for letting me heal and recuperate, and for allowing me “to die in order for me to emerge as one renewed person”. Many thanks for your understanding and patience. I love you all, from the bottom of my heart.

This note marks the end of my “wandering in the desert”. After quite a long time, I am happy to say that at last, my soul is back for good.

Luke 22:32 – “I have prayed for you, Simon that your faith may not fail….”

©2july2007leofinajanegalleta